The most expensive moment in a separation? When being worn down and being reasonable start to work against you.

Most women don't see it coming. Not because they aren't paying attention. Because they are worn down, trying to be fair, and doing their best in conditions that make careful thinking genuinely harder than usual.

If that sounds familiar, this is for you.

I KNOW THIS FEELING

It usually doesn't arrive early. It arrives after months of it. Difficult conversations that don't fully land. Walking on eggshells. Legal correspondence that requires decisions about things you have never had to think about before. A life to manage on top of all of it — a household, a job, adult children who have their own feelings about everything.

At some point the thought becomes very loud: I just want this to be over.

Not because you've stopped caring. Because you've been trying so hard, for so long, to keep things civil.

That feeling makes complete sense. It is not weakness. It is not failure. It is what happens to anyone carrying that much, for that long.

It is important to recognise it though. That feeling is one of the most financially significant of the whole process. Not because you have done anything wrong. But because the decisions made when you are feeling this way tend to be the ones that are hardest to live with afterwards.

I have spoken with enough women who have been through this to know that the regret is rarely about asking for too much. It is almost always about agreeing too quickly or too easily.  

WHAT NOBODY TOLD ME

When I was going through my own separation, I didn't know that the exhaustion I was feeling was affecting the quality of my thinking. I assumed I was managing. I was making decisions, after all. Getting through the meetings. Responding to the emails.

What I didn't know was that researchers at Harvard and Princeton had spent years studying exactly this — what happens to our capacity for careful decision-making when we are under sustained financial and emotional pressure. What they found was that it reduces. Measurably. Not because of anything about the person. Because that is how the human mind works under load.

They called it a bandwidth tax. The idea that stress and uncertainty don't just feel hard — they actively take up mental space that would otherwise be available for clear thinking.

Making major financial decisions in the middle of a separation is not the same as making them at a calm moment with full information and time on your side. The conditions are different. And they produce different decisions.

I wish someone had told me this. Not to alarm me. To help me understand that slowing down wasn't indulgence — it was actually the most rational thing I could do.

WHAT TENDS TO HAPPEN

There are a few things that researchers have found happen reliably when people make financial decisions under this kind of pressure. I am not going to walk you through them in detail. But I do want to name them, because seeing them clearly helps you avoid being led by them.

The first is that relief starts to feel like a good outcome. When you are exhausted, ending the conflict today feels disproportionately attractive — even when what you are agreeing to isn't necessarily right for you long term. The superannuation split, the capital gains, the absence of maintenance — those things arrive later. And when you are in the middle of it, later can feel like a problem you’re happy to deal with then.

The second is that fear of losing what you have can outweigh the desire to gain what you are entitled to. Research by Daniel Kahneman — widely considered the most influential psychologist in this field — found that people feel losses roughly twice as intensely as equivalent gains. In a settlement, this can mean becoming disproportionately focused on protecting one particular thing, often the family home, while not fighting as hard for assets of equal or greater long-term value. Superannuation is the most common example. It is also, frequently, where women lose the most ground.

The third is that the first number offered sets the frame for everything that follows. Not because it is fair. Not because it is legally grounded. Simply because it arrives first. This is anchoring, and it operates even when you know it is happening. Going into a negotiation knowing your number — what the law says you are likely entitled to, established independently before anyone else puts a figure on the table — means the first offer can't set the frame. You have already set it. This is one of the most useful things you can do before a negotiation begins.

And the fourth is something I recognise very personally: that after months of complex decisions, the capacity for careful deliberation simply gets worn down. You start to default to whatever requires the least resistance. In a settlement, that is usually whatever is on the table.

This is one of the most common reasons women accept less than is fair. Not because they didn't care. Because they were depleted.

WHY IT MATTERS — IN NUMBERS

Research using data from the United States Health and Retirement Study found that women who separate after 50 experience a 45 per cent decline in their standard of living in the years following separation. For men, the figure is 21 per cent.

That gap is largely shaped by how settlements are reached — and the conditions under which decisions are made.

The decisions made during a settlement are not temporary. Many of them are final. Superannuation not claimed cannot be recovered. An agreement that feels like relief at 55 can look very different at 75. The conditions under which those decisions are made matter enormously — and they deserve to be taken seriously.

WHAT I HAVE SEEN HELP

I am not saying dig your heels in. I am not saying prolong something that is already painful. I am suggesting that it is helpful to slow down at the moments that feel most urgent, because those are often exactly the moments when the most permanent decisions get made.

A few things I have seen make a genuine difference.

Naming the pressure — and checking whether it is actually a deadline

Urgency in a settlement is often a feeling rather than a fact. Most timelines have more flexibility than they appear to. Before agreeing to anything under time pressure, it is worth asking what actually happens if you take more time. Often, the answer is less alarming than the pressure suggests.

Writing down what you want — before any meeting begins

Do this before the other party's opening offer is on the table. Before the room sets the frame. Your own position, in your own words, before anyone else's number becomes the reference point. This is practical and it works.

Having someone in your corner whose only job is to look after you

A solicitor or financial planner who works only for you is not just a source of information. They are an external check on decisions made under conditions of reduced capacity. I know that seeking advice feels like the last thing you want to do when you are exhausted. It is also, precisely then, when it matters most.

Making the long term visible before you decide

Abstract concern about the future is easy to push aside when the present is overwhelming. Specific numbers are harder to ignore. A financial planner can show you what a proposed settlement looks like at 65, at 75, at 85. That concreteness changes things.

ONE LAST THING

If you are in the middle of this — or heading toward it — I want you to hold onto something.

The pressure you are feeling is not a sign that you should agree. It is a sign that you are human, carrying something genuinely heavy, in conditions that make careful thinking harder than usual.

Slowing down is not weakness. It is not indecision. It is the most financially rational thing you can do. And it is something you are entirely entitled to.

If you would like a personal introduction to a solicitor or financial planner whose only obligation is to help you think this through clearly — someone I trust personally — that is exactly what I am here for.

REFERENCES

Academic sources

1.  Mullainathan, S., & Shafir, E. (2013). Scarcity: Why having too little means so much. New York: Times Books.

2.  Mani, A., Mullainathan, S., Shafir, E., & Zhao, J. (2013). Poverty impedes cognitive function. Science, 341(6149), 976–980.

3.  Deck, C., & Jahedi, S. (2015). The effect of cognitive load on economic decision making. European Economic Review, 78, 97–119.

4.  Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory: An analysis of decision under risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263–291.

5.  Tversky, A., & Kahneman, D. (1974). Judgment under uncertainty: Heuristics and biases. Science, 185(4157), 1124–1131.

6.  Samuelson, W., & Zeckhauser, R. (1988). Status quo bias in decision making. Journal of Risk and Uncertainty, 1, 7–59.

7.  Lin, I-F., & Brown, S. L. (2022). The economic consequences of gray divorce for women and men. Innovation in Aging, 6(Supplement 1). Gerontological Society of America.

8.  Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego depletion: Is the active self a limited resource? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1252–1265.

9.  Brodbeck, J., et al. (2022). The role of emotion regulation and loss-related coping self-efficacy in an internet intervention for grief. JMIR Mental Health, 9(5), e27707.

10.  Owen, G. S., et al. (2008). Mental capacity to make decisions on treatment in people admitted to psychiatric hospitals. British Journal of Psychiatry, 193(4), 299–304.

Disclaimer: The information here is general in nature. It does not constitute legal, financial or professional advice, and it is not tailored to your individual circumstances. Where your situation is complex or the stakes are high, speaking with a qualified professional is likely to be worthwhile.

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